Ghastly Gimmicks: The World’s Largest Love Machine

Viscera, Big Daddy V, world's largest love machine, Lilian Garcia, WWE, wwf, pajamas

The Great Romances of the 20th Century

Nelson Frazier, better known has Viscera, was never the most fortunate guy when it came to gimmicks. King Mabel brought very little to the table, and the “generic oversized thug” role he filled for most of his career wasn’t exactly groundbreaking. Still, one of his characters stands head and shoulders above the rest in terms of being worthy of embarrassment – The silk-pajama-wearing World’s Largest Love Machine.

This ghastly gimmick began in 2005 when Trish Stratus enlisted Viscera’s help to take out Kane, who at the time was “married” to Trish’s arch-nemesis Lita. Not one to offer his services for free, Big Vis forced himself upon Trish, straight dogging her in a backstage segment before showing up to a “business dinner” with a supply of XL condoms. When Vis failed to eliminate Kane from the picture at Backlash ’05, Stratus put an end to their partnership, and Big Daddy V put her on the shelf with a big splash for her troubles. This, of course, turned Viscera into a babyface (wrestling!).

With Trish out of the picture, Vis turned his attention to ring announcer Lilian Garcia. Week in and week out, he’d attempt to seduce her, and although his advances were unwelcomed at first, Garcia eventually came around. The couple shared a number of in-ring kisses (one featuring nachos), and eventually, Lilian thought it was time to take things to the next level. At Vengeance ’05, Garcia proposed to the World’s Largest Love Machine in the middle of the ring. Before he could accept, however, The Godfather and his Ho Train made their way to the ring to remind Big Vis of everything he’d be leaving behind should he chose to take himself off the market. Unable to resist the hos, Viscera left a devastated Lilian Garcia in shambles. Naturally, he’d begin pairing up with fellow ladies man Val Venis as part of a tag team that was aptly named V-Squared. During this time, he began using a signature maneuver called the Viscagra, with which he’d literally dry hump opponents into the canvas.

A year later, Vis attempted to reconcile with Lilian, who was less than enthused to give him another chance. He and Charlie Haas competed for her affection for a short while, but when she said that she only liked them both as friends, things took a dark turn. Viscera responded to being put into the friend-zone by Samoan Dropping Garcia, after which he and Haas shared a good laugh. You can’t make this stuff up. Most of the World’s Largest Love Machine’s “highlights” are featured in the short tribute video below, inexplicably (but oddly appropriately?) set to Bobby Pickett’s “The Monster Mash.”

JoMo: Former Future Champion, Pt. 2

WWE, TNA, Wrestling

John Morrison, with a little help from Melina, is digging his own grave.

Last month, I ranted about how John Morrison should have been in the WrestleMania main event, complained vehemently about his de-push, and insisted that the Tough Enough winner was ready to break into the elite tier of the WWE.  As it turns out, maybe Morrison isn’t mature enough to be designated with such an honor just yet.

Rather than make the best of his WrestleMania situation (he was teaming with the best female wrestler of all time after all), Morrison behaved in an offensively immature manner.  Apparently, his real-life succubus girlfriend, Melina, felt as though Trish Stratus had taken her rightful spot on the WrestleMania card.  That notion is preposterous to begin with – had it not been for Trish, there would be no Melina.  Trish Stratus innovated women’s wrestling, is a still a bigger draw after years of inactivity than any of the current divas, and was there to hype Tough Enough, in which the WWE has an invested interest.  So from the get-go, Melina’s claims are more than a little dubious.  Unfortunately, John Morrison chose to back her up.  As a result, I don’t know if the Prince of Parkour’s push will ever come. Continue reading

WrestleMania 27 Reactions

WWE SnookiMania

Oh, what a magical Mania moment.

Let me preface this by saying that I like professional wrestling, and I like it a lot.  I would hope that’s obvious since I opened a site exclusively covering the topic, but I feel like I pan the weekly programming so much that I might come off as just a critic.  The fact of the matter is that watching wrestling is one of my favorite past times, whether it’s a glamorous pay-per-view event or a show in a high school gym.  I think it’s because I like it so much that it has the ability to conjure such strong feelings in me.  One of these feelings is disappointment, and I’m full of it right now.  If you liked WrestleMania 27 last night, you probably don’t want to hit the jump.  But if you’re anything like me and felt betrayed by last night’s fiasco, read on for my thoughts on the worst WrestleMania since last year’s WrestleMania. Continue reading

WrestleMania 27 Preview

The Grandaddy of them all, WrestleMania XXVII.

This Sunday night is the 27th WrestleMania, and the card has shaped up nicely.  The Rock will host the event, we’ve got two world title matches, and WWE’s two most tenured stars will be competing with wrestling’s most prestigious streak on the line.  To prepare for the event, we’ve got predictions and previews from our three most frequent contributors; Frank Aquilino, Ryan Simmons, and Mike McCarthy.  Get all of our thoughts on what’s in store at this year’s Spring Classic after the jump! Continue reading

Full Match Friday: Trish Stratus vs Mickie James

Every year, WrestleMania has at least one match that I end up standing for, my face inches from my television.  At WrestleMania 22, it wasn’t either World Title match, The Undertaker defending his streak, or even the phenomenal Edge vs Mick Foley battle.  Instead, it was the Women’s Championship match between Trish Stratus and Mickie James.  The 3-month feud that led up to their encounter was masterfully woven, the match itself delivered in a big way, and the ending was simply brilliant.  Trish Stratus and Mickie James stole the show at a WrestleMania, and that’s no easy task.  Watch and enjoy.  This is everything that women’s wrestling should be.

No such thing as Retirement

This is what Trish came back for...and to job to Vickie Guerrero.

Nobody stays retired in wrestling.  It’s a simple fact.  If your favorite wrestler retires, no need to fret.  You can bet your bottom dollar that they’ll be back.  And that’s a bad thing.

In some instances, when a wrestler never received a chance to formally say goodbye, such as the case of Stone Cold Steve Austin, one last match could be a welcomed thing.  It gives the wrestler a chance to put on one last show for their fans, and it gives their fans an opportunity to show their appreciation for a beloved superstar one last time.  And that’s great.  But I’m not talking about guys like Stone Cold or even Hulk Hogan, who stepped aside because their bodies gave out on them.  I’m not speaking of wrestlers like Val Venis or Buff Bagwell, who kind of quietly disappeared from the business due mostly to lack of work.  I’m not even referring to those like The Rock or Brock Lesnar, who left the squared circle to pursue other careers.  I am talking about are those wrestlers who have retired, only to step back into the ring.  The ones who had their last match, said their emotional farewell, and then reneged on their commitment and jumped back into the spotlight.  I will never welcome those returns.

The latest in a long line of wrestlers to go back on their word and revoke their retirement is Trish Stratus, and as much as I enjoy watching the Canadian-born diva do her thing, the truth of the matter is she should have stayed at home. Continue reading

The Diva of Divas

Trish Stratus, Champion, WWE, Wrestling

WrestleMania weekend is shaping up to be pretty big as far as the Divas are concerned.  At the top, you have the original Diva, Sunny, being inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame.  But what I want to focus in on today is the return of the ultimate Diva, Trish Stratus.

The WWE defines their Divas as being smart, sexy, and powerful…whatever that means.  But essentially, the Divas are supposed to be hot and athletic.  Very rarely do those two things come together.  For example, lets look at the ones that have been on the cover of Playboy:  Sable, Chyna, Torrie Wilson, Christy Hemme, Candace Michelle, Ashley, Maria.  With the exception of Chyna (cause she is a dude) none of these chicks exactly set the world on fire as far as their wrestling talent is concerned.  Now, lets take a look at some of those who had actual wrestling talent:  Trish Stratus, Mickie James, Lita, Beth Phoenix, Molly Holly, Michelle McCool…all of whom are beautiful in their own right.  But in combining both wrestling ability and looks, Trish is essentially the ultimate Diva.

There hasn’t been a girl with that combination of skill and looks in the history of the WWE, and there may never be again.  But it wasn’t an easy road for Trish.  When she first came to the WWE, she was just another hot manager, and also a terrible wrestler.  I can remember a time when her matches were hard to watch…well, her actual in-ring work was hard to watch.  As it turns out, Trish was a natural, and she picked up wrestling quickly and became one of the best in the world.  She’s kind of like the female Kurt Angle.

Two of the best

Continue reading