5 Wild Weddings

WWE, TNA, Wrestling

I married WHO?!!?

I’d like to congratulate frequent commenter Mike Sal on tying the knot yesterday!  On behalf of everyone involved with ProRasslin.com, I wish Mike and his bride Tara the best of luck.

As you’re surely aware, wrestling weddings seldom transpire as seamlessly as those in the real world.  Whether it’s because one of the parties was kidnapped and forced into the wedding against their will or simply because a crazed ex-spouse with an axe isn’t handling the event in a mature manner, wrestling weddings never seem to end well.  You’re about as likely to witness a whole marriage ceremony without interruption as you are a contract signing without a brawl in the fine sport of ‘rasslin.  That being said, today we’ll take a look at five of the craziest, most out of control weddings to ever take place inside of a wrestling ring.  This is in no way comprehensive – there have been way too many wacky weddings to list.  You won’t find any of Stephanie McMahon’s four weddings here, nor will you see any of Karen Angle’s three.  What you will find is a bizarre collection of in-ring miscarriages, fake old men, and fatal heart attacks.  Let’s hope Mike & Tara’s new life together goes smoother than those of these star-crossed lovers! 

5. Kane & Lita, 8/23/2004

First of all, even if the circumstances surrounding this wedding weren’t so bizarre, I’d have to include it just for the appearance of a very hot, very heel, and very scantily-clad Trish Stratus as the Maid of Honor.  It just so happens, though, that the story of this wedding deserves a spot on this list anyway.  Weeks earlier, to prevent Kane from beating up Matt Hardy, Lita had sex with the Big Red Machine.  This wasn’t hinted to subtly – it was broadcast to the WWE audience rather explicitly.  As a result, Lita became pregnant with Kane’s child.  Matt Hardy then foolhardily agreed to a match that if he lost, Lita would be forced to marry Kane.  He lost, and that led to this.  Ironically, this chain of events took shape in attempt to spare Matt Hardy a beating, and he gets chokeslammed off the stage during the wedding.  Anyways, after the wedding, Lita would suffer a miscarriage when the unknown Gene Snitsky pushed Kane into her during a match on Raw.  The loss of their child brought Lita and Kane closer together, and they became an onscreen couple until she left him for Edge.  Only in wrestling, folks.

4. Uncle Elmer & Joyce, 10/5/1985

By wrestling standards, this wedding was pretty tame.  Sure, there were farm animals running around the altar and Roddy Piper interfered in the proceedings.  And so what if Jesse Ventura went through the wedding cake?  This is wrestling we’re talking about, and for the most part, the sacred union of Uncle Elmer & Joyce was uneventful.  So why is it on this list?  Because it was a real wedding, that’s why.  The vows exchanged by Elmer & Joyce on Saturday Night Main Event were as real as those spoken in any church or city hall.  Now watch this video, with the knowledge that it’s of a legal wedding, and you tell me how that isn’t mind-blowing.

3. Teddy Long & Krystal, 9/21/2007

The Godfather’s Ho Train.  Need I say more?  Unfortunately for Teddy Long & Krystal, it wasn’t Godfather’s objection to the wedding, nor was it Hornswoggle’s involvement, that put a damper on their ceremony.  It was instead the heart attack that Mr. Long suffered just before he could utter “I Do.”  At least this instance of cardiac arrest wasn’t fatal…

2. Al Wilson & Dawn Marie, 1/2/2003

Rather than post a video solely featuring Al & Dawn’s wedding (which was performed in their underwear, mind you), I feel it’s more appropriate to post this tribute video celebrating the life of Al Wilson.  To anyone who thought that Michael Cole was vicious in his recent feud with Jerry Lawler, I’d like to direct your attention to Dawn Marie in the early parts of last decade.  While feuding with Torrie Wilson, Dawn became romantically linked to Torrie’s father, Al.  Torrie, believing that Dawn was taking advantage of her father, was willing to do anything in order to get Dawn to leave him alone.  At this point, Dawn reveals that she’s been harboring an unrequited lesbian crush on Torrie herself, and propositions her to meet in a hotel room.  Dawn cajoles Torrie into engaging in sexual acts with her on the promise that she would leave Al Wilson alone in the future.  Then, Dawn Marie shows video of herself and Torrie kissing to Al, making the whole situation uncomfortable for everybody involved.  As if this isn’t enough, Dawn goes back on her word and continues her relationship with Al Wilson, eventually marrying him, much to the dismay of Torrie.  Dawn’s dastardly ways reached their peak on her honeymoon, when she SEXED AL WILSON TO DEATH.  As a result of “over-sexing” (as the WWE so eloquently put it), Al suffered a fatal heart attack.  Unlike plenty of other crazy angles, this one has never been rewritten.  Dawn Marie sexed Torrie Wilson’s father to death.

1. Billy & Chuck, 9/12/2002

You need to watch this video.  There is nothing I can say that will tell you of its ridiculousness.  The reveal of the minister’s identity, the complete destruction of Stephanie McMahon at the hands of the future Umaga, the choreographed ceremony by Rico, the persuasive words of the Godfather, the crowd reaction to Billy & Chuck’s confession…it’s all perfect.  This is the absolute epitome of a wrestling wedding.

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