Fixing Mania, Part III

Because I am straight edge, I am better than you (and your favorite wrestlers.)

This is Mike McCarthy, and I’m here to wrap up our three part look at WrestleMania 27 dream cards with my own perfect version of the event.  I want to preface this by saying that I’m only going to list matches that I’m sure could have happened had the WWE creative team decided to book them.  That means no Sting, and that means no Rock.

I also won’t be including Trish Stratus on the card despite the possibility of her wrestling again.  Her retirement match was exactly what it should have been, and I’d hate to think of her ruining it by returning to the ring to team with Kelly Kelly.  Other notable ommissions from my vision of WrestleMania are Kane and Mark Henry.  I’m writing what the show would look like if I had the power to book it.  If I had that power, I’d do everything I could to make it enjoyable, and neither of those guys are anything I enjoy.

So without any further delay, my WrestleMania 27 dream card – including a title unification match, Dolph Ziggler getting his comeuppance, and Diesel.

All right, let’s get the two boring matches out of the way.  Not that they’d be boring in execution, but they’re boring to talk about since everyone seems to agree on these being the best options for the title matches on the show.

WWE Championship: The Miz vs John Morrison

World Heavyweight Championship: Edge vs Christian

Like everyone else, I feel like the natural chemistry between these sets of former tag team partners makes a compelling case for them to face each other at WrestleMania.  If I were booking, Morrison would have won the Royal Rumble, and he’d gain a clean victory over The Miz at WrestleMania to kick off his first reign as WWE Champion.  On the Smackdown side of things, I would have had Christian turn heel immediately after his return, and built him as a monster bad guy heading into Mania.  He’d defeat Edge and become World Champion when Kelly Kelly interfered, revealing herself as his new valet.  After being treated poorly by Drew McIntyre and fired because of Edge, she’d find comfort in the arms of the weasely Christian, who would use her to gain a WrestleMania win.

Triple H & Diesel vs Sheamus & Drew McIntyre

So how about this youth movement?

WWE missed a huge opportunity when they didn’t capitalize on the reaction Kevin Nash got at the Royal Rumble.  They could have had him wrestle a mop the next night and the match would have kept the crowd hot, but he hasn’t appeared since his initial return.  Meanwhile, former WWE Champion Sheamus is stuck in a midcard rut, and Drew McIntyre is struggling to keep from falling into obscurity.  How could you seize the opportunity to cash in on the Diesel character one last time, make two young and rising stars look good, and make smarks everywhere mark out?  Pair Sheamus and McIntyre up against real life buddies Triple H and Kevin Nash.  People love seeing the Kliq together – look at DX.  Give the people what they want, and then have the Celtic Connection take it away by beating the old goats at Mania.

#1 Contenders 3-Way Dance: John Cena vs CM Punk vs Randy Orton

Before John Cena began his feud with the Miz at the Royal Rumble, he was involved in an angle with CM Punk that I felt was going to lead to a Mania match.  WWE had other plans, and they transitioned Punk into a feud with Randy Orton while placing John Cena in a WWE Title match.  I feel kind of cheated that we never got a big payoff in the Punk / Cena rivalry.  I would have liked to have seen Punk feud with both Cena and Orton simultaineously leading into Mania.  With his current cult-leader persona, he’d manipulate Cena and Orton into resenting each other, playing on their past and planting the seeds of distrust in their heads.  The feud would culminate in a WrestleMania 3-Way dance for the #1 contendership to the WWE Title.  Punk would win the biggest match of his career, going over WWE’s two most popular stars, and the stage would be set for a John Morrison vs CM Punk main event at Backlash.

US / IC Title Unification Match: Alberto Del Rio vs Daniel Bryan

Make him a unified champion and Del Rio being on Raw every week suddenly makes sense.

I like Alberto Del Rio – I really do.  But this is too much too fast.  He doesn’t belong in a World Title match at WrestleMania.  That being said, he does deserve a high profile spot on the card.  So does Daniel Bryan.  Pitting these two against each other in a match that would unify the Intercontinental and United States championships resolves a number of issues.  Bringing some prestige back to the upper mid-card level championship?  Check.  Adding a match to the card that could potentially be remembered as fondly as Savage vs Steamboat and Bret vs Owen?  Check.  Providing a logical reason for Alberto Del Rio to be on all of your programming despite him being branded to Smackdown?  The biggest check.  It’s the perfect solution.

The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin

WHAT’S THE DEAL with having us both at WrestleMania?

The Rock is the host of WrestleMania 27.  Stone Cold is going to be a trainer on Tough Enough starting the night after WrestleMania, and he’ll most likely be at the big event.  It’s very likely that the two poster boys for the Attitude Era find themselves interacting with each other on wrestling’s grandest stage once more, and if I had anything to say about it, it would go a little something like this.  Austin will be in the ring promoting the launch of Tough Enough the following night when he’s interrupted by the guest host.  He and The Rock exchange some friendly banter in the ring, and sooner or later, the music of Dolph Ziggler hits.  Dolph and Vickie make their way out to complain about his (their?) firing, but Rock and Austin start dropping their catch phrases on him relentlessly  Who in the blue hell are you, the WHATs, the whole nine yards.  In the end, Dolph takes a stunner and a People’s Elbow.  Before Austin and The Rock leave the ring, Vickie takes a Stunner too, because why the hell not?

WWE Tag Team Championships: The Corre (Slater & Gabriel w/Ezekiel Jackson) vs Nexus (McGillicutty & Otunga w/Mason Ryan) vs Santino & Kozlov w/The Big Show

WWE has apparently forgotten the Corre / Nexus feud, but the fans sure haven’t.  The last time the issue was even breached on TV was at the Royal Rumble, and CM Punk and Wade Barrett have even tag teamed together since.  But, in my eyes, the feud needs to be continued.  A triple threat match between the Corre, Nexus, and the former tag champs squeezes a bunch of guys on the card in just one match.  I figure the Big Show is sufficiently goofy and jovial enough to join Santino & Kozlov’s merry band of misfits, and that puts a big enforcer in the corner of each team.  I’d give this one to Santino & Vladdy just to keep from giving The Corre or Nexus a clear leg up on the other.

The Undertaker vs Wade Barrett

Sorry Wade, but somebody's got to job to him.

Not a whole lot to say about this one.  Taker would go over, since the streak will never end, and Wade Barrett would continue on as the non-leader of the Corre.  It stinks to have to job Barrett at Mania, but he’s the most logical fit here, and, well, somebody’s got to do it.

Jerry “The King” Lawler vs Michael Cole

It would be a shame to let Michael Cole’s heat go to waste, which is why I agree with the WWE’s decision to book this match for WrestleMania.  The King would win and finally achieve his WrestleMania moment, and hopefully it would only chew up about six minutes of the show.  There are real wrestlers who are waiting their turn.

Money in the Bank

SD Participants: Kofi Kingston, Rey Mysterio, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger

Raw Participants: Ted Dibiase, Evan Bourne, R-Truth, Tyson Kidd

I honestly don’t know who I’d choose as the winner here.  Maybe Kofi Kingston.  But this match would get a lot of guys on the card who are otherwise without spots.  It also gives Rey Mysterio and Cody Rhodes a vehicle to continue their feud without having them meet one-on-one yet, and lends to the possibility of a brief Rhodes / Dibiase partnership.  And secretly, I think Tyson Kidd could be really good in one of these matches.

Divas Battle Royal

Do you care? Really? Really? REALLY?

There are a lot of women in the WWE, and there is no way that they should take up more than one match on the crowded card.  So as much as I’d like to say Natalya vs Beth Phoenix, I have to go with a Divas Battle Royal just for the sake of including LayCool and the rest of the girls.  Anybody could win – I don’t care.  Just have the match and let’s get on with the show.

Well, that’s that.  If I were booking WrestleMania 27, that’s exactly how it would look.  I guess a Mark Henry vs Kane match could be added if you wanted to hand those guys a paycheck, but there’d by nothing fun about watching that one.  So, uh… you’d watch this show, right?  Right?

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